Contempt: The doorway to divorce
Imagine having a roommate who scoffed at things you said, questioned your motives, rolled their eyes at your ideas, mocked you, treated you with disrespect, barely concealed their disdain for you, and generally made it clear that they were superior to you? How long would it be before you looked for a new roommate?
While being married is more than being roommates, would we not want just as badly to escape such a spouse? Or, wouldn’t our spouse want to get away from us if we were the contemptuous one?
John Beaty sums it up in his article on Gottman.com: “The contemptuous spouse feels superior to their partner and openly expresses it in words and actions that leave their spouse feeling despised and worthless.” The contemptuous spouse nurtures a negative sentiment toward their partner and the ratio of their interactions—comparing those that feel good to those that feel bad—becomes so skewed in a negative direction that the marriage becomes synonymous with feeling bad.
There are reasons spouses show contempt. Some come by it naturally, born with critical personalities that see and voice the negative in nearly everything. Some grew up witnessing contemptuous relationships. Some have bought into media normalization of disrespect in relationships and believe it would work in reality. Some have arrived at contempt through the accumulation of relationship disappointments and betrayals. In such cases, contemptuous treatment of one’s spouse is fighting back. The problem is, it backfires. Contemptuous behavior is mean; it makes things worse, not better. People may have their reasons for thinking and acting in contemptuous ways, but if measured by the ineffectiveness of such behavior in any marriage, those reasons sound trite.
According to the research of Dr. John Gottman, contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce. He calls it “the sulfuric acid for love.” It is one of his “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which can ride like a team of horses through marital living space, destroying everything in their path.
The presence of contempt even blinds us to the presence of things that could improve our relationship. Contemptuous partners tend to miss neutral or even positive interactions. They ignore kind gestures, don’t hear or misinterpret compliments, and reject bids for connection. The relationship is more than stuck in a bad place, it is speeding toward a worse place.
Being beaten down by contempt is like sleeping under a dripping water pipe. Constantly on edge, the recipient of contempt lives in a chronic state of cortisol-laden Diffuse Physiological Arousal, commonly known as a state of fight or flight. As a result, those who live under contempt have been shown to develop weaker immune systems over time, becoming more susceptible to disease and to shortened life-spans.
“Researcher Greta Hysi at the University of Tirana in Albania reviewed 40 studies on the effects of marriage on health. She found that higher levels of negativity which contribute to marital dissatisfaction also directly impact a couple’s physical health.
Hysi’s research also included a review of Dr. Gottman’s Love Lab studies, which found higher white blood cell counts in couples that were happily married. This finding is similar to that of Drs. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and and Ronald Glaser at Ohio State University, who found natural killer cells are more effective in fighting off disease in happily married couples.
And researchers Lois Verbrugge and James House of the University of Michigan found an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by 35% and even shorten your life by an average of four to eight years!“ (Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-negative-behaviors-may-making-sick/ )
Perhaps the reason contempt is such a sure predictor of divorce is that it displaces several criteria that are key to a satisfying marriage: trust, mutual affirmations, maintaining a high ratio of positive to negative interactions, and nurturing fondness and admiration.
Trust
Trust is more than believing our partner won’t cheat. Trust, per Dr. Gottman’s definition, is “My spouse is there for me.” In his Sound Relationship House—which depicts the seven principles that make marriage work as floors in a house—the house is held up by two pillars: commitment and trust. That is, Trust is more than a floor (a principal), it is a supporting pillar. “For” is the operative word. We trust someone who is for us. Contempt is the exact opposite of being for someone; it is to be against, attitudinally. It is contrary, belittling, oppositional, diminishing. The contemptuous partner feels superior, and they’re going to let you know it.
The antidote is being there for each other as teammates. It is overlooking differences or working them out on our way to a mutual win. It is insuring that our home is not a frying pan, but an incubator; a place of warmth where love fosters life. It is choosing to be our spouse’s biggest fan and encourager, despite our differences—even seeing those differences in a positive light, like we did when dating. The antidote to contempt is being there for each other as one another’s greatest advocate and chief cheerleader. It is fostering an atmosphere of appreciation. It is living with a committed partner whom we can count on for a smile, a compliment, encouragement, a “Thank you” or other form of appreciation. And They can count on us for the same. If our marriage lives in an incubator of appreciation and affirmation, there is no room for contempt to grow.
High ratio between positive and negative interactions
Think of this as the ratio of "feel good interactions” to “feel bad interactions.” In non-contemptuous, satisfying marriages, a couple’s interactions are more often positive than negative. Some misunderstand Dr. Gottman to say that for every negative interaction, a couple needs five positive interactions to overcome its damage. While that is not a bad guide, it's not exactly what his research found. The 5:1 ratio comes from his observation of couples in conflict. That is, when in conflict, "master couples”—those couples who presented well during observation—managed conflict well, and had marriages that tended to last a long time. They interacted in ways that felt good five times more than they felt bad, even when disagreeing. Overall, the ratio was four times higher. That is, on average Master Couples maintained a ratio of 20:1. Their micro-interactions were positive 95% of the time. They built each other up, or made each other feel good most of the time; twenty times more than they made each other feel bad. It's like they were… friends (Dr. Gottman’s singular word for describing a strong marriage.) They were friendly; nice to each other; considerate; protective in what they said. Rather than an atmosphere that anyone would want to get away from, they cultivated an atmosphere that anyone would want to come home to. Shockingly, research shows that people like living with someone who is nice to them!
Thus, contempt can be corrected the same way we correct an overdrawn bank account. We pay attention to the ratio of deposits to withdrawals. Dr. Gottman uses this metaphor to describe a couple’s Love Bank. A high balance is maintained through the affirmations spoken of above, as well as being there for one another in tangible ways and letting our sentiment toward each other be overridden by positivity. It is a glass half full perspective on one another; even choosing the rose colored glasses. A 20:1 ratio certainly won’t happen if we just do or say whatever we feel like doing or saying however we feel like saying it. Like intentional spending and saving, maintaining a positive ratio in our marriage requires intentionality… such as when we were dating and trying to attract each other. Guess what, the same things are still attractive. Increase them. Make those deposits so that the balance grows in your relational Love Bank.
Nurturing fondness and admiration
This term, “Nurturing Fondness and Admiration" is the second of the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, as outlined in Dr. Gottman’s book of the same title. Together with Love Maps and Turning Toward One Another Instead of Away, these three comprise his definition of "friendship.” Friends tend to see each other positively, admire each other, think well of each other. They respect each other. As above, they dispense a steady supply of positive thoughts and attitudes toward each other. They dwell on what they like about the other; what they love about the other; what they respect about the other; what they admire or are fond of in the other. Are there things they could criticize and look at negatively? Certainly! No one is perfect. But they choose to see the person they fell in love with. They choose to remember that they are lucky to have this person in their life. They choose to see and voice out loud their partner’s positive traits. They don’t criticize, but make positive requests and affirm when things said or done have felt good. Who wouldn't love to live with such a roommate or spouse? Yes, there may be legitimate complaints that have led to contempt, and needed changes that require negotiation. But along the way, fondness and admiration provide the food and oxygen the couple needs to survive. They replace the toxicity of contempt with the warmth of the life-sustaining incubator.
Positivity
Alluded to above, Dr. Gottman has coined the term, Positive Sentiment Override. With so many syllables, it has to be important, right? It simply describes a sentiment toward one’s spouse that is overridden by positivity. Character traits, which always have positive and negative aspects, like two sides of a coin, are seen by Master Couples in their positive light. What could be viewed critically is accepted as part of the package, just like our partner has to do for us. Different is respected. Idiosyncrasies are seen as “cute.” Things we don’t understand are given the benefit of doubt. A presumption of innocence is extended until we can ask, “Help me understand.” Withdrawals are carefully considered and most are not made. Sources for deposits are enthusiastically sought out and made. Things a spouse did well, or at least with a good-hearted effort, are noted. Kind gestured earn a “Thank you.” Friends and relatives are not told about a spouse’s mistakes, faults, and dumb moves, but about the things of which we are proud and grateful.
In these ways, contempt is kept at bay and a satisfying marriage is built on trust, mutual affirmations, maintaining a high ratio of positive to negative interactions, and nurturing fondness and admiration. These don't happen naturally; they require intentionality. Just like with our financial bank account, the solvency of our marital Love Bank is achieved through intentionally maximizing deposits and minimizing withdrawals.