The Heart Bone's Connected to the Brain Bone: an exposé on Phenethylamine, Dopamine, and Oxytocin

Phenethylamine (fiːnaɪlˌɛθɪlˌəˈmiːn). You may not have heard of it, but you’ve drunk it. At least, your brain has. It goes by the nickname,“the infatuation drug.” It was secreted into your brain in Middle School when that new girl or guy walked into class, took a seat two rows down and to your left, and you didn’t hear another word the teacher said. You were in love! This person was perfect. Life with this person by your side would be the definition of bliss every day; that was clear. The only thing unclear was how to get from “two rows down and to the left” to “down the aisle and into your cool loft apartment with your two perfect kids.” Remember her or him? You may not remember their name, but now you know their real identity: “Phenethylamine.”

Phenethylamine is an hallucinogen—and a nomadic one (not romantic… nomadic). It distorts reality, such that what you see is not real. Don’t get me wrong; that person in seventh grade was cute; real cute! But you’re now old enough to know that he or she also had flaws. (Every person has flaws because our strengths are our weaknesses; a person with no weaknesses is a person with no strengths.) But you didn’t see those flaws; there wasn’t a weakness within fifty rows of that seventh grade chair. That is, until Phenethylamine moved on. And it always does. It has a shelf-life of a few weeks to a maximum of two years. If your dream-date’s facade is terribly misleading, your Phenethylamine “high” might last only as long as your first conversation.

But there’s good news. In fact, much better news. The promiscuity of Phenethylamine is trumped by the faithful permanence of the bond of Oxytocin. If Phenethylamine is the chemical reaction behind “puppy Love,” Oxytocin is the chemical reaction behind real love. It’s the feel-good chemical that washes over the brain when we connect with another human being in a way that feels secure, safe, comforting, loving, nurturing, and accepting. It says, “I want to be with this person” not because of a hallucinatory façade, but because I’ve experienced authentic, safe, trustworthy, caring human connection. Oxytocin is a much more reliable guide to a good mate than is Phenethylamine. Faithful caring is—after all—a better predictor of relationship success than how someone looks in tight jeans.

In addition to Phenethylamine, another brain chemical that can get us into trouble is Dopamine. Dopamine is a cerebral celebratory toast. It is a reward released when we get what we want, and thus a motivator. Dopamine is an adrenaline junkie that loves pursuit; it is a fan of the hunt—whether the reward of the hunt is “to get the girl” (or guy), or to win the tournament, or seal the deal, or find the next high (all addictions are Dopamine addictions) the pleasureful reward of getting what one craves rides in on a wave of Dopamine. But following Dopamine into a relationship because the “score” felt good is like having fun on a carnival ride and buying a theme park. The temporal pleasure of Dopamine in contrast to Oxytocin is like a sugar high compared to a balanced diet. Books could be written on the woes of letting shallow Dopamine sweep us into the deep waters of a committed relationship. That’s why sex is a terrible way to start a relationship. It is a foundation of sand. Bedrock may be slightly under the surface on which our relational house can come to rest, but we don’t yet know.

In fact, speaking of books on Dopamine disasters, even the Bible has a chapter on the subject. This relational-Dopamine-letdown is behind the tragic story in chapter thirteen of 2nd Samuel, of the rape of Tamar by her half-brother, Amnon. He had long nurtured an obsession with “having her.” Once he “had her” (by force), “he despised her.” That is, his pursuit of Dopamine having been satisfied by the conquests, he was not interested in a loving relationship. And what of Tamar? What chemical washed over her brain? Certainly not Oxytocin; nor Dopamine, but more likely Cortisol—released by the hypothalamus in response to threat, fear, and danger. Thus, the Dopamine-fueled dream of the sexual conquerer was the Cortisol-fueled nightmare and relationship trauma of the conquered.

But I said there was good news, didn’t I? Back to Oxytocin. Oxytocin is relationship superglue. It is the brain’s bonding chemical. It is released in moments ranging from plutonic to romantic; when we’ve been “tended or befriended.” It is secreted when a human interaction feels good—safe, accepting, nurturing, and comforting. It’s in the cradled lullaby; the nonsexual touch of a friend; a good massage; a hug when we’re sobbing; holding someone's hand when afraid; snuggling with a parent or spouse; the empathy we see in the tear-rimmed eyes of someone who has listened—really listened—to our story; it’s as public and low-level as holding candles in a Christmas Eve service, and as private and intense as front-to-front sexual orgasm in a relationship of committed love. It is the same chemical that in infancy bonds mother and newborn; it is why the infant is placed on the mother’s bare belly for skin-to-skin contact. This becomes the child’s first experience outside the womb of caring, comfort, safety, acceptance, belonging and love… the foundational building block associating a human relationship with reliable safety and nurture. The more positive, pure, safe connections a person has in life—especially in early life—the more capacity one will have for committed relationships. That Oxytocin-reinforced relationship of committed love ranks far, far above a short-lived Phenethylamine hallucination or the Dopamine high of a thrill ride.

So, the heart bone is indeed connected to the brain bone, in both adaptive and maladaptive ways; ways that help, heal and protect us, and ways that hinder, wound, and damage us. And that’s the gift—and curse—of relationships. Our hearts are vulnerable; our brains are vulnerable; relationships are vulnerable. Love, trust, and commitment are vulnerable. But where would we be without that relational vulnerability? Alone. We'd be alone. And that is the most wounding existence of all. The alternative is to be for our partner a safe, accepting, respectful, comforting, loving, protective presence and—if we choose wisely—experiencing the same from them.