“Breaking the Mirror—Overcoming Narcissism: How to Conquer Self-Centeredness and Achieve Successful Relationships," by Norman Goldwasser, Ph.D.
THIS is the book I’ve been waiting for! Finally, someone has written a helpful and hopeful book to narcissists and people with narcissistic tendencies! Most books on the subject do not write to narcissists, they write off narcissists as unchangeable and advise loved ones to erect strong boundaries or to leave them.
Chapters 18-20 of this book also go there by necessity, but refreshingly, Dr. Goldwasser guides the narcissist in how to protect others in relationship, so that others don’t have to protect themselves. He does so with compassion, understanding, and practical help born of thirty years of specialization in this area. I found myself highlighting nearly every paragraph. The book covers everything I had sought elsewhere, including oft-neglected communication and conflict mitigation strategies needed in any relationship, including those involving a narcissist, albeit nuanced.
Narcissism, as we now understand it, is on a spectrum. This realization rescues the term from its overuse implying that a person has diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This allows any willing reader to “look in the mirror” for narcissistic traits (common in our culture) and resolve to work against them, lest they destroy one’s relationships and life-satisfaction. It provides a pathway to “break the mirror” that always gives a self-image as victor or victim.
Goldwasser provides effective strategies to change narcissistic tendencies, which include negativity, anger, talking rather than listening, arguing rather than empathizing, delusional thinking, manipulation, control, self-centeredness, oversensitivity to criticism, excessive need for affirmation, a “me-loop,” projection, blame-shifting, gaslighting, and more.
The book offers understanding, not judgment; practical insight, not dismissal. Start with Chapters 8-10 if you’re eager for practical strategies for change, then return to chapter 7 and earlier chapters for deeper insight into origins. (Goldwasser acknowledges the possible presence of co-occurring conditions, such as Bipolar, PTSD, depression, addictions, and others that can exist alongside narcissism—masking it, driving it, or confusing its treatment.) Don’t miss the rich Case Examples throughout each chapter.
Below is a brief outline of the book:
Section I: Narcissism: An Overview
Chapter 1: Stuck in the Mirror: Provides a historical look at the concept of narcissism.
Chapter 2: How Do I Know if I Am One?: Discusses the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Chapter 3: How Did I Get This Way?: Explores potential origins of narcissistic traits.
Chapter 4: How Bad Is It?: Examines the nature and impact of narcissism on an individual's life.
Chapter 5: Can I Change?: Outlines parameters of personal transformation for those with narcissistic traits.
Chapter 6: Is That All There Is?: Addresses coexisting conditions that can complicate narcissism.
Chapter 7: Defending the Fort: Explains common narcissistic defense mechanisms.
Section II: Effects of Narcissism
Chapter 8: What's Wrong with How I'm Thinking?: Focuses on disordered perceptions and cognitions typical of narcissism.
Chapter 9: But You Don't Understand How I FEEL!: Delves into the painful emotions often driving narcissism as a defense.
Chapter 10: Why Can't I Just Get Along?: Identifies typical relationship deficits, and cycles such as idealization, devaluation and dismissal of others.
Chapter 11: I Just Want to Make It BIG: Explores the link between narcissism and striving for success, achievement, and external validation.
Chapter 12: Where Is G-d When You Need Him?: Distinguishes self-centered religiosity from spiritual integration yielding empathy, humility, love, and altruistic service.
Section III: Treatments
Chapter 13: But Therapy Doesn't Work for Me: Addresses narcissistic resistances (distrust, splitting, rejecting other perspectives, etc.) and therapist tips.
Chapter 14: What Do I Want to Accomplish?: Provides suggested goals for therapy.
Chapter 15: How to Get There: Explains different types of therapies that can be effective.
Chapter 16: The Power of Others: Notes the benefits of group therapy.
Chapter 17: Improving Relations: Focuses on improving empathy and on strengthening relationship skills.
Section IV: For Family Members
Chapter 18: Holding on to the Whole Picture: Teaches family to notice patterns and strategically anticipate storms, standing strong like a lighthouse, not reacting like a dingy.
Chapter 19: Becoming an Effective Partner: Combines empathic validation with non-reactive responses, consistent boundaries, limits, rewards and consequences.
Chapter 20: Maintaining Your Integrity and Dignity: Clarifies boundaries as insisting upon healthy, respectful, safe interactions, or leaving.
Section V: Stories of Transformation
Chapter 21: Personal Stories: Shares inspirational stories of transformation from individuals who have worked on their narcissistic traits.