Common Male Misinterpretations of Women
She's interrupting me.
She's criticizing me.
She’s telling me what I already know, as if I’m stupid.
She's controlling me.
She's contradicting herself.
She's being illogical.
She wants to wear the pants in the family.
No matter what I do, it’s wrong.
She has a double standard.
If I do it, it's "abuse," if she does it, she's “just upset."
Sex only happens when she feels like it.
She's too soft on our son; they’ll be wimps.”
These objections don’t make sense to women. Of course, not all women are alike, but in my practice I have heard many women respond to these misunderstandings as follows.
She's interrupting me.
She’s not "interrupting," but participating in the conversation. It’s what women do. Unlike men, who have sequential conversations, women have fluid conversations, chiming in mid-sentence, talking back-and-forth almost at the same time, and yet hearing one another. To women, it’s not considered rude; in fact, it signals that attention is being paid; interest is being shown by interacting.
No matter what I do, it’s wrong.
(Variations on this include: No matter what I do, she criticizes it, or corrects me like I was a child, or second-guesses what I did, or gives unsolicited advice, or gets mad that I didn’t do it the way she would have done it.)
Her comments, observations, questions, wonders, doubts, fears, alternate ideas, suggestions, and worries are not votes of non-confidence; she’s not implying that you're incompetent. Three things may be going on. She may be verbally processing her feelings—especially fear born of concerns over safety, security and uncertainty—especially if children are involved. Or, like above, what she’s voicing may be her way of caring, of helping. She’s not doubting you nor competing with you, she’s trying to help and support you. Or, she may be letting you know what is of importance to her, trusting that in your love for her, you’ll make it important to you. (Of course, no matter our gender, we must allow each other to be different, and what is important to us must be communicated as a positive request, not a criticism.)
She’s telling me what I already know, as if I’m stupid.
She is helping. It’s what women do for one another. They point out things, they remind, they give information that might be helpful. And they don’t take offense. In fact, they would take offense at another woman silently sitting idly by, not helping. She would then feel alone and without a friend. What she’s said is not implying anything about you; there’s no reason to take offense. She’s voicing what would be helpful to her if the roles were reversed.
She's controlling me.
She would not consider it an attempt to control, but an attempt to be “seen,” heard, considered, included, and part of a team. Dr. John Gottman’s research reveals that a key predictor of marital happiness is a husband’s acceptance of his wife’s influence. In our egalitarian culture, we would prefer that he speak of mutual influence. But, he’s not presenting his philosophy; he’s presenting the results of his research. And those results show that when men oppose or resist their wives’ influence, there is more conflict and less relationship satisfaction. He says, “Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” So, change your mindset from “She’s controlling me,” to “She’s giving me a clue as to how I can be there for her; how I can defend what’s important to her; how I can make her feel loved and cared for. Yes, it helps if she asks positively and expresses appreciation, but this article is about what men can do.
She wants to wear the pants in the family.
One of the most common scenarios in couples therapy is a couple discussing a past incident in which he made decisions and she felt left out. In that incident, the man and the woman had different desires. He wanted to be trusted to independently make a competent decision. She wanted to be included in the discussion, her input to be valued and considered, and for the final decision to be made as a team. In addition, for the man the matter was practical; a conversation would require unnecessary time. For the woman, the matter was relational; why would anyone not want to take time for a conversation? Each partner can learn to understand the other’s desires and defend them.
She's contradicting herself.
A woman would say that she’s sorting things out as she talks, and her husband can help her do so by being an empathic, supportive listener. More often than men, women are verbal processors. So, what she said a few sentences ago does not need to line up with what she just said. She’s amending things as she goes, refining her understanding and honing her decision with the help of a supportive, listening friend (you).
She's being illogical.
As I’ve written in “Why Married Couples Stop Talking to Each Other,” while allowance must be made for temperament differences over gender differences, generally men lead with the left brain, while women lead with the right brain. Both use both sides of their brain; it’s a matter of which goes first. This means that an issue – especially a relationship issue – is going to be for her first about the atmosphere between the two. This is true even if in her profession she is a logical, efficient and effective decision maker. This is not work; this is a romantic relationship. It’s not that she won’t get around to a logical solution. She will. But she first wants validation for how she feels, and how the atmosphere with her partner feels. Her husband’s empathy opens the door for her readiness to talk about logical, tangible solutions.
It has to be her way.
She doesn’t see it that way, even if you pull out your spreadsheet with tabulations of how often in the past month things went her way.(Please don’t do that.) Similar to the explanations above about control and “wearing the pants in the family,” she doesn’t see it as “getting her way.” Rather, if her husband is attuned to what is important to her and how she feels about something, and yields to her, she feels loved. If he stubbornly insists upon his own way, she feels less loved. If he does so with a harsh and angry tone—especially if he reduces her to silence or tears—she feels unloved. It doesn’t mean that a man must always yield to her way; it does mean that if the “win” is measured in relationship satisfaction, he’s more likely to win by kindly supporting her than by insisting on his own way. It’s an opportunity for a man to use his strengths to protect, serve, love, and support his wife. That’s a relationship win! (And yes, a woman can also support what’s important to her husband, but again, here we’re talking about what men can do.)
She has a double standard.
Women don’t see this, even if a man documents and “proves” it. (Again, please don’t do that.) If a woman does what she has asked her husband to not do, she does not see it as a double standard, but expects him to understand that she had a good reason for doing it - say, checking her phone in the middle of a conversation, when she has asked him to not do that, or inviting guests over without checking with him, when she’s asked him to not do that. Rather than get irritated or challenge her, she’d like him to presume the best , maybe inquire, but overall be supportive of what she regards as important. Again, the question is “What is the ‘win’ here?” Is it that the man wins his case? Or is the win that his wife feels loved?
Ideally, a woman can reflect upon her husband‘s curiosity about the standards they’ve agreed to, and come to recognize when she is applying a double standard. I’ve seen this happen in conversations between couples. It’s far better that she draw this conclusion, herself, than that a man defeat her in an argument about it.
If I do it, it's "abuse," if she does it, she's “just upset."
It used to be that “abuse“ applied only to physical assaults. But, the damaging effects of emotional abuse have come to be recognized as just as scarring, and sometimes even more so when one considers the lasting impact. The list of what is considered abusive has also grown exponentially over the years. Men often read these list (as long as 40 terms) and scratch their head in disbelief. Men interacting with men would not feel “abused“ by a good many of the things listed. Annoyed, maybe, but not abused. The common denominator in the things listed is that they cause women to feel afraid. Often, those same things would not cause a man to fear. Thus, his confusion. For instance, if a fellow male put his fist through a wall, another man might actually chuckle at how ridiculous he’s being in his anger, and give him space. But it would strike fear in the heart of a woman. Likewise, two men could raise their voices at each other and later go out for a beer; no harm done. A woman might experience fear and intimidation at the same volume. The reason she can do the same thing she considers abuse is because of the inherent recognition of the strength and power of a man compared to a woman, no matter how much the 21st-century would like to paint the genders as alike. Most men could probably overpower their girlfriends or wives. So, yes, she is intimidated and frightened by things that might not frighten men. Understand it. Respect it. Protect her.
Sex only happens when she feels like it.
Almost universally, women say that it is difficult, if not impossible, to want to connect sexually if they don’t feel safe, cared for, helped amid stress, and tended to emotionally. Relationship connection must precede physical connection for most women. The opposite is often true for men, for whom physical connection is de-stressing and creates a feeling of relational closeness. As it turns out, positive attention is an aphrodisiac for both men and women, but that attention is nuanced by gender. Men generally feel drawn to intimacy with a woman who respects his intelligence, competence, strength, body, looks, success, or some combination thereof. Women generally feel drawn to intimacy with a man who listens to her, empathizes with her, prioritizes her, protects her heart, is there for her, helps her, and creates a peaceful atmosphere for her. It is then that she is most likely to want to be intimate. And given the power differential between men and women, it is not OK to pressure or force a woman to bed. Better to make the bed.
She's too soft on our sons; they’ll be wimps.
Parenting styles may be determined as much by temperament or upbringing as by gender. However, if a man is complaining of his wife's softness toward their sons, she is likely prioritizing empathy and nurture over mental toughness and tangible effectiveness. Both have a place in human development. If we’re willing to accept and value our differences, we can accept the value of one another’s parenting style. The trick is allowing for those differences within a shared sense of parenting values. Like other marital hot spots, couples do well to not let parenting differences divide them, nor let the children pit them against one another by playing them off of one another. Children should expect from their parents consistency with individuality. Ideally, both parents can embrace empathic encouragement and non-shaming, non-injurious, consistent, logical rewards and consequences. Within that, let mom be mom and dad be dad,