It’s the Atmosphere, Stupid!
“It’s the economy, stupid!“ said candidate Bill Clinton throughout his 1992 presidential campaign. Were I to choose a campaign slogan for marriage, I’d choose, “It’s the atmosphere, Stupid!” (although hopefully not immature enough to call anyone, “stupid”).
It’s the atmosphere that matters. Two people could do or say the same thing in their respective marriages and for one it is would be a relationship “win” and for the other a relationship “loss.” It’s the atmosphere created by how it was done or said that would make the difference.
For example, if someone yields to their partner’s desire for how to spend Saturday morning, it will be a relationship “win” if it’s done kindly, with gracious support of what is important to the other. The same act of yielding will be a relationship “loss” if it is done begrudgingly, with an eye roll and heavy sigh, with palpable resentment. Ridiculously, the spouse who yields with this latter immature attitude will still want relationship points, saying something like, “What!?! I said I’d do it! What more do you want from me?” Loss! It should have been a relationship win, but wasn’t, due to how it was done.
Relationships are simple at one level; people like to be around people with whom they feel good (see my article on whether we’re responsible for others’ feelings) and don’t like to be around people with whom they feel bad. Simple. In some relationships, it feels like we’re walking on a red carpet; in others, it feels like we’re walking on eggshells. On this basis, we look forward to being with some people and dread being with others. The difference is the atmosphere.
I recall first meeting a female coworker and thinking, “This is one of the most beautiful women I've ever met.” By the time I left that workplace, I could see nothing attractive about her at all, even though her physical appearance had not changed. It was because in the time I worked there, I came to experience her as self-absorbed, rude, unkind, inconsiderate, foul-mouthed, argumentative, unreasonable, negative, and toxic. The atmosphere set by how she said and did what she did canceled her physical beauty, making an otherwise beautiful woman unattractive.
By contrast, I recall a pleasant thirty minute interaction with an administrative clerk, who processed with me some government paperwork. Her face was partly deformed and showed signs of reconstructive surgeries. It was a different first impression than I had with my coworker. But she was kind, welcoming me with a beautiful smile that caused the scars to fade. She was caring, considerate about the need that had brought me in, helpful in securing the right paperwork and seeing the process through, initiating polite conversation during the appointment, inquiring about my plans for the weekend, and following up on clues I’d given about my life. None of that was necessary to the administrative work for which she was being paid. I left thinking, “What a beautiful person!” It was the atmosphere she set that made her attractive.
The term, “walking on eggshells,” is often used by people in relationship with a toxic person… someone who is harsh, critical, easily offended, overly defensive, negative, talking but not listening, non-empathic, manipulative, controlling, or a combination thereof. In some relationships, it’s less like eggshells and more like walking through a field of landmines; one never knows what will trigger an explosion. It is an unhealthy atmosphere in which we feel unsafe. In such situations, our Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) becomes activated.
The SNS is supposed to be a temporary state of heightened defensiveness in response to occasional moments of danger. Cortisol and adrenaline are secreted to fuel the body to run or to fight, the heart pumps faster, pupils dilate, and more oxygen is delivered to the large muscle groups. All this combines to ready the body for self-defense. But reaching such a Defcon level should be rare—at least when at home with loved ones. Even if one’s job requires regular activation of the SNS—such as law enforcement or military deployment—we want to retreat to a place of peace; to go home where self-defense is unnecessary; a place where we feel protected by our partner or spouse. It is physically unhealthy to live in an activated SNS state; we want and need our home and primary relationships to be characterized by an atmosphere of peace, safety, consideration, warmth and love. Our partner needs the same.
Renowned relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, refers to the high ratio of positive-feeling interactions to negative-feeling interactions that characterizes satisfied marriages. He analogizes this ratio to a “Love Bank,” in which interactions that feel good are like deposits into a bank account, and interactions that feel bad like withdrawals from that account. Marital satisfaction is the account “balance.” Like financial bank accounts, the balance is high if deposits outweigh withdrawals. The more that is the case, the higher the balance. In relationships, it’s about the feeling; the atmosphere created not only by what is said and done, but by how it is done or said.
Therefore, it is wise to think through our words and actions, in advance. We can ask ourselves, “Will what I'm about to say or do be a deposit or a withdrawal? Will it increase the balance in our Love Bank or lower it? Will the atmosphere I set by the way I say it or the attitude with which I do it place a negative sign in front of what should have been a deposit?” If we decide that it’s going to be a withdrawal, then we can ask ourselves, “Why would I do that!?! Would I set a one hundred dollar bill on fire?” The Love Bank metaphor can also motivate us to think creatively about deposits—coming up with them for no reason other than to raise the love balance between us.
It’s important to note that deposits and withdrawals are not of equal value. Withdrawals cost five deposits. Dr. Gottman’s research finds that a withdrawal can set a couple back enough to require five deposits just to get back to even. We can’t say something harsh or be selfishly stubborn toward our spouse and then expect a bouquet of flowers to get us back to a good place. Gottman describes his “master couples” as those who intentionally limit withdrawals and intentionally multiply deposits. They stop themselves from saying or doing what would feel bad, whether by content, context, or atmosphere. They creatively think about how they can be kind and considerate toward their spouse; to build up and bless and bring joy to each other. They make sure their words and deeds are clothed with love, patience, gentleness, kindness, consideration, and generosity, such that the atmosphere created by even a small deed can be a huge deposit. In this way, Gottman’s “Master Couples” maintain a ratio of “feel good” to “feel bad” interactions that hovers around 20:1. That is, 95% of the time, their interactions feel positive. Their Love Bank balance remains high, such that the marriage or relationship remains solvent despite occasional withdrawals.
Back to simplicity… we like to be with people with whom we feel loved, respected and protected. Around such people we don’t have to protect ourselves. We’d like to be married to such a person, and so would our spouse. A protective atmosphere is what marriages and relationships need; an atmosphere that is peaceful, welcoming, loving, considerate, kind, patient, and gentle.
So, next time you’re considering what to do or say, or what to not say or do, consider also how you’re going to do and say it. After all, “It’s the atmosphere….”