When Relationship Counseling Stalls, it may be due to a Personality Disorder
Sound relationships require a foundation of unselfish mutual caring and protection that is fundamentally at odds with a Personality Disorder (PD). Thus, when the communication tools that normally work in relationship counseling are repeatedly fruitless, there may be a personality disorder (PD)—or strong traits thereof—at work in one or both parties.
The Foundation of Healthy Communication
Effective relationship are a tapestry of the following threads. In relationships where one or both partners has a personality disorder, many of these threads are missing, making for a fragile fabric easily rent.
Listening: While healthy partners listen, those with PD traits often dominate the conversation.
Empathy: Sound communication requires empathy; PDs often focus on repeating how they feel.
Gentleness: Healthy partners use gentleness, while PDs may excuse or justify harshness.
Mutual Protection: Healthy couples protect one another, whereas PDs focus on self-protection.
Peace through Mutual Yieldedness: Healthy partners compromise; PDs often fight to win.
Emotion Regulation: PDs often dysregulate—narcissists may act like a child, borderlines like a toddler, and histrionics like a "drama queen or king."
Accepting Perspectives: Healthy partners value other views, but PDs often "split"—seeing issues as black or white and people as either "for" or "against" them.
Introspection: Instead of looking inward, those with PDs tend to project their issues onto others.
Truthfulness: While relationships require honesty, PDs may deny, lie, gaslight, or delude themselves.
Accepting Responsibility: PDs frequently utilize blame-shifting rather than taking ownership.
Commitment: Those with PD traits may quit relationship therapy as soon as their blame-shifting is challenged.
Consideration: PDs often see others as objects to manipulate toward their own ends.
Altruism: PDs may exert control for self-benefit rather than the good of the couple.
Other-Centeredness: While healthy love is other-centered, PDs often run on a "me loop."
If someone with a personality disorder presents for couples therapy, it is usually in response to an ultimatum, or it’s an attempt to get a therapist to “fix” their spouse. Effective therapy requires both parties to understand where their feelings are rooted, where their thoughts are distorted, and how their behavior is disruptive, so that positive change can occur.
Effective Treatments for Personality Disorders
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Used for uncovering and processing experiences that lead to negative self-talk, replacing them with positive beliefs.
Brainworking Recursive Therapy (BWRT): Focused on replacing non-preferred somatic or emotional responses with preferred ones.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): Essential for regulating emotions, challenging interpretations, slowing reactions, and choosing relationally wise behavior.
Schema Therapy: Used for resetting one’s self-concept and adjusting ingrained patterns.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify and change the patterned linkage between thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Recommended Authors and Resources
The following authors and speakers specialize in personality disorders. While many focus on setting boundaries against mistreatment, some also offer a path toward healing.
Dr. Norman Goldwasser (A notable exception who teaches interpersonal skills)
Marsha Linehan
Margalis Fjelstad
Randi Kreger
Paul Mason
Daniel Fox
Les Carter
Ramani Durvasula