Collaborative Influence v. Trusted Competence

A frequent marital conflict is that of a woman wanting to discuss an issue in order to make a decision as a team. Her desire is to have influence in a collaborative relationship. This contrasts with the man wanting to be trusted to make a sound decision independently. The issue (the laundry, the dog, the budget) is not the issue. The issue is whether the decision-making process protects the contrasting things typically important to each gender.

1. Definitions of "Respect"

The core of this conflict lies in how each partner feels valued:

• For the Man: Respect often means trusting his stand-alone competence. If he is empowered to make a sound decision independently, without collaboration, he feels trusted. When his decision is met with questions, he feels his judgement is being questioned; collaboration feels to him like a "vote of no confidence.”

• For the Woman: Respect often means inclusion. If she has influence in the decision-making process, she feels valued as an equal partner with something significant to offer the team. Being excluded feels like being a passenger, not a co-pilot.

2. The "Her Way" Paradox

Men frequently complain that “team” decisions look a lot like "her way,” showing few if any signs of his influence. This may point to deficits in the way influence is being exerted.

• The Veto Power Trap: If a woman enters the conversation with a specific outcome already in mind, "collaboration" becomes a process of wearing the partner down until he agrees. That isn't a team decision.

• The Information Gap: Conversely, if a man makes a decision without engaging the woman in conversation about his thought process, she may push back because she doesn’t understand the factors he’s considered. She is worried about the unknowns. She doesn’t see herself as vying for “her way" so much as vying for a way that seems more secure, or safer (two factors often more important to women than to men).

3. Shifting from "Who Decides" to "How We Decide"

• The "Lead" System: Many couples assign "leads" to certain areas of their shared lives (finances, social life, home maintenance, home decor, etc). The Lead has the final say, but after consulting with their partner. This preserves autonomy while ensuring inclusion.

• The Rating System: We know to choose our battles. Some battles or issues will be more important to one spouse than to the other. Some couples rate how important is an issue to each person, using a 1-10 scale. The person for whom it’s most important gets to be the Lead; but the other has influence.

• The "Influence" Audit: It’s helpful for the woman to ask: "Am I asking for a seat at the table, or am I wanting to sit at the head of the table? Can I give him the respect that he longs for?”

• The "Trust" Exercise: It’s helpful for the man to ask: “Am I rejecting her input just to be in charge, or can I accept how her influence might improve a decision, and give her the inclusion she longs for?”