Can Narcissists Change? A pathway.
This article has been a long time coming.
This article was written because there are very few articles on how narcissists change. Most articles say, “Narcissists will never change” and then advise how to leave them. Others will school a partner in boundaries. Indeed, boundaries are necessary when living with a narcissist. Leaving is also necessary when recalcitrant mental, emotional, or physical abuse makes someone feel like a prisoner in their own home, and boundaries don’t protect them.
But is “giving up” a therapeutic intervention?
Is leaving a narcissist a solution? Isn’t it only relocating them? The result is that the narcissist is put out on the street looking for the next adoring girlfriend or boyfriend who will provide “narcissistic supply” (affirmation and praise) that the narcissist craves. Once found, this rebound relationship will eventually also end due to the narcissist’s negativity, self-centeredness, manipulation, control, lying, gaslighting, entitlement, angry defensiveness, cruelty, and abuse that ended previous relationships. This pattern will repeat relationship-after-relationship ad infinitum, leaving a string of broken hearts and broken homes. It also ends badly for the unreformed narcissist who will become more and more entrenched in narcissistic ways of thinking, relating, and acting. In old age, they may end up alone, having burnt all bridges.
No one wins in this scenario. It is like cleaning up toxic waste, then tossing the wash-water onto a playground. It is not a cure; its spreading the illness. For this reason, I have felt compelled to write to narcissists who recognize their traits and want to change.
Some will say I'm wasting my time because narcissists tend to lack insight. That is, they are so focused on everyone else as the problem that they don't recognize maladaptive traits in themselves. In fact, they will project onto others the very same negative motives they carry, and accuse others of the deceitful and manipulative tactics they employ. Despite being the common denominator in their troubled relationships, they maintain that the problem lies with everyone else.
It must be noted that narcissism exists on a spectrum. The term “narcissist” is popularly used for everything from an image-obsessed individual to someone who meets five of the nine criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), as listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). Within this range, the label “narcissist” is often applied to people who are prideful, arrogant, image-driven, self-centered, entitled, unfaithful, negative, argumentative, and abusive. NarcissisticHelp.com offers this very comprehensive glossary of terms associated with narcissism, which will help both the individual wanting to understand and overcome such tendencies, and the victim wanting to understand and not be overcome by them.
Unfortunately, descriptions of narcissistic traits are typically worded as if people intentionally come up with these strategies and do the selfish or abusive things on purpose. They are choices, yes, or they could not be changed. But they come from a disordered way of thinking that has been with the narcissist probably since childhood, and nursed to the point of becoming reflexive behaviors. Reflexes can be changed with practice.
On the benign end of this spectrum may be mere temperament traits. For instance, Enneagram Ones, Threes, Eights, and Fours are especially prone to narcissistic traits. Enneagram Ones in their insistence that their way is “correct;” Threes in their obsession with image; Eights in their control, and Fours in finding their identity in being misunderstood.
Rather than give up on people with benign narcissism, we champion their maturation. We help Fours leave melancholy myopia and focus upon others; we help Eights to stop challenging and controlling and lead with empathy; we help Threes learn that they are liked and loved regardless of their appearance or achievements. We help Ones to let go of critical perfectionism in favor of getting relationships right.
That is, we don’t write people off; we teach maturity and foster growth. We pray and educate, model, and enforce boundaries until manipulation and control are transformed into healthy leadership, arrogance into healthy self-confidence, objectification of people into love, and self-reflection into service.
But, if what we’re experiencing goes well beyond personality issues into diagnosable Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) that is not transforming, but worsening, then yes, partners and others will have to protect themselves through boundaries or distance. (This is certainly the case with other even more extreme disorders, such as sociopathy or psychopathology.)
This article offers instead a path to change for those willing and able to walk it. I write as both a licensed therapist and a pastor. When I hear, “Narcissists never change; leave them,” I hear, “What therapy has offered is ineffective.” That leaves room for someone… anyone… to offer something… anything… that does bring about change.
That, “something“ that therapy does not provide, nor purport to provide, is a “heart change.“ That, in my experience, this is a spiritual phenomenon. Perhaps such internal transformation occurs in all religions among serious devotees; I don’t know. As a Christian pastor, I offer what I’ve seen and experienced when people understand their condition and yield their hearts and minds to Christ for change. Changing the heart from self-centeredness to love is what Christ does. Does this mean that devotees of other religions don’t undergo similar transformations? I don’t know. I write from what I do know.
This is not to say that Christians can’t be narcissists. Some are. This is especially true of persons who don’t approach the Christian faith to be transformed, but perhaps for what they can gain: attention, authority, accolades, pity. For example, vulnerable/covert narcissists might find in the Church compassion as they present themselves as victims. Grandiose/overt narcissists might find positions as teachers and leaders, or even pastors, who are literally given a pulpit. Being a Christian doesn’t necessarily erase narcissism; it may even feed it, if one is not yielded to God for transformation from self to Him; from self to love. But when the “heart” is yielded to God for transformation, the results I’ve seen are more maturity, less defensiveness, more conscientiousness, greater integrity, purer altruism, more love, and—as a result—improved relationships.
Retired therapist, author, and narcissism expert Dr. Les Carter, offers these conditions for change, and this video guide to change What he describes as the factors underlying narcissistic change are consistent with the fruit of the Spirit found in Galatians 5:22-23. That is, the manifestations of the Spirit in a person who yields his or her heart for transformation are exactly the qualities that transform narcissism. God wills to plant them and help them grow from the receptive heart and cooperative will. This sanctification process enlivens the conscience, making distasteful callous self-centeredness and enabling other-focused love.
So, if a narcissist can change, what needs to change? And how?
• New Self-understanding
• New Mindset
• New Reflexes
• New Practices
• New Wins
New Self-Understanding:
There are two types of narcissism - grandiose (overt) & vulnerable (covert). Relationships with either are difficult because both are self-focused. While insecurity drives both, the grandiose presents as a victor; the vulnerable as a victim.
The key differences are that grandiose narcissists are arrogantly confident, extroverted, dominant, callous, and entitled, seeking admiration, recognition, and elevation. They are superficial, using others for advancement, with little empathy. Conversely, vulnerable narcissists lack confidence, are introverted, passive, and anxious about acceptance, misinterpreting others as critical or rejecting, seeking inclusion and accolades to overcome feelings of inadequacy, shame and self-doubt. Even while these are opposite in many ways, both are experienced in relationship as self-absorbed and are therefore toxic to relationships. Interactions become a “me loop.“ That is, no matter the impetus to an interaction, it always becomes about what they want to say, their wants and needs, their way. Rather than listening, yielding, or serving with love and respect, their aim is to be served, loved, affirmed, applauded, or yielded to. By contrast, healthy relationships are built on mutual care and concern.
It should be noted that narcissists don’t intentionally set out to be this way. A complaint I have about the literature is that it reads as if narcissists had two choices before them—selfishness or empathic focus on others—and decided to pick selfishness. It is not a choice that is made consciously, but a habit that has formed. It may go back to childhood, where self-defensiveness or self-advancement were needed to survive and now feel normal. Unfamiliar and unpracticed have been the ways of empathy, altruism, and self-effacing caring. The solution is not to vilify, but to rectify.
Narcissists, lacking an identity or self-understanding grounded in the unconditional love and acceptance of God, find their identity in the reactions of others to them. Ironically, even negative reactions, such as arguing, are a source of narcissistic supply. It tells them that they matter enough to engage; that people will let them control their time and energy, even in inane arguments. While these conflicts don’t result in admiration, they do supply a feeling of strength; of dominance over a weaker or inferior opponent—at least in the mind of the narcissist.
So, back to a new self-understanding.
Your past may have been one of over-indulgence. You may have seldom been told, “No,” Perhaps you were allowed to live as if the rules didn’t apply to you. You were then rescued from the consequences of this entitled scorning of societal rules. If so, you may have an internal voice telling you that you don’t have to abide by the same rules and processes as everyone else, and that things will still somehow work out for you. You may boldly dress, drive, position yourself and promote yourself in keeping with this inflated view. Pity the person who does not mirror this image back to you; they are in for a dressing down in order to build yourself up.
Conversely, your past may have been neglectful, lacking encouragement and nurture, even abusive. It may have left you defensive, fearing you’ll be overlooked, excluded, left, abused, insulted, or rejected. If so, an internal voice may be telling you you're not enough—not good enough, smart enough, strong enough, attractive enough, cool enough, accomplished enough, prestigious enough, wealthy enough, etc. This internal voice misinterprets incidents, interactions, and people’s words, as if they were telling you what you’re telling yourself, resulting in angry defensiveness.
Here’s relief that can set you free. You are not the sum of what others have done to you or said about you. God placed in you good qualities, gifts, attributes and opportunities. They are yours to seize and develop through Love, regardless of how anyone receives your efforts. There is an audience of One, and his approval is all that matters. And when God doesn’t approve, he offers grace, redemption, and ever-new opportunities.
Therefore, we don’t have to live in either of the insecurities above. We are known and loved by him who created us. Our purpose is to serve God by loving and serving others through the overflow of his love. Understand anew that this is your identity. It is not in self-advancement nor in self-defensiveness, but in self-giving.
New Mindset:
With a new self-understanding that your value is not determined by what has been done to you or said to you, but by what God says about you, has done for you, and wills to love through you, you can go forth with a new mindset. Leaving behind the insecurities above, you can receive and adopt his other-centered mindset that is unlike the one according to which you’ve been operating. It is a new nature, with new messages and motivations.
This new identity and mindset result in a movement…
From comparing yourself to accepting yourself.
From self-persecution to self-compassion.
From hiding to vulnerability.
From the lies of formative wounds to the freedom of Truth.
From insecurity that is self-focused to a security that allows you to focus on, bless, and serve others.
From taking offense to presuming the best.
From fighting for vindication, or to be right, or proven superior, to fighting for the relationship.
From wanting to be heard, to wanting to hear.
From wanting to be understood, to wanting just as badly to understand.
From who or what you’re against, to who or what you can be for.
From antagonist to supporter.
From setting up to lifting up.
From unreasonable to reasonable expectations.
From exploitation to humanization.
From ignoring to heeding the conscience.
From control and manipulation to defending another’s agency and best interest.
From charming others into serving you, to using your charisma to serve others.
From disregard for another’s feelings, to empathically attuning to their heart.
From entitlement to consideration.
From using people to protecting people.
From coveting to gratitude.
From wanting for yourself to wanting for others.
From negativity to positivity.
From Eeyore to Tigger.
From blame-shifting to admission.
From deflection to taking responsibility.
From hair-trigger defensiveness to patient understanding.
From insecure interpretations tones and expressions to letting things roll off.
From suspicion to benefit of the doubt.
From knowing it all to teachable.
From expert to yielding to another’s expertise.
From collecting sycophants to learning from other perspectives.
From projection of your faults and fears onto others, to vulnerably admitting your own faults and fears.
From lies, omissions, and embellishment to easy admissions and default integrity.
From victimhood for personal gain, to strength for others.
From bullying to protecting.
New Reflexes:
A new mindset born of a new self-image fosters similar new reflexes:
From self to other.
From my image to others’ feelings.
From challenging to validating
From self-defensiveness to other-protection.
From occasional hero to reliably there.
From anger to patience.
From temper-tantrums to self-control.
From furious to curious.
From talking to listening.
From harsh to gentle.
From negative to positive.
From denigration to validation.
From prosecutor to proponent.
From correcting to accepting.
From self-absorption to other-consideration.
From demanding respect to granting respect.
From self-serving to serving others.
From benefitting self to benefitting others.
From immorality to conscience-driven morality.
From pride to humility.
From attention-seeking to attention-giving.
From “Here I am!” to “There you are!”
From a “me loop” to a “you loop.”
From affirmation-seeking to affirmation-giving.
From excluding to including.
From independent to interdependent.
From isolation to collaboration.
From me to thee to we.
From victim mindset to a servant mentality.
From dishonesty to integrity.
From projection to introspection.
From self-promotion to promoting others.
From amassing to sharing.
With these new reflexes born of a new mindset born of a new identity, new practices will spring up and, with practice, become normative.
New Practices:
Letting it be about someone else.
Yielding the floor.
Curiously seeking to understand.
Listening.
Validating.
Being agreeable.
Reducing the dismissive “But…”
Increasing the acceptable “But, I understand ________.”
Adjusting.
Yielding the win.
Apologizing
Empathizing
Accepting responsibility.
Not dressing or accessorizing to impress.
Removing eggshells.
Letting things roll off.
Learning from complaints and criticism.
Accepting input and help.
Letting them… (Mel Robbins)
Giving the benefit of doubt.
Defending others.
Being dependable.
Serving others.
Using things, not people.
Serving people, not things.
Giving without benefit.
Protecting the meek and vulnerable.
Reciprocating.
Asking, “How about you?”
Reconciling.
With new reflexes, born of a new mindset, born of a new identity, new practices produce new wins.
A new win is sought when we recognize what we stand to lose (relationships, family, opportunities, jobs, freedom, etc.).
New Win:
Old win: I won.
New win: The relationship won.
Old win: Arguing for sport.
New win: Understanding and supporting.
Old win: Dismissing or shutting down others’ emotions.
New win: Drawing close through empathy.
Old win: I got what I wanted.
New win: We yielded to what each other wanted.
Old win: I got to say everything I wanted to say.
New win: We both got to say what we wanted to say.
Old win: I defended myself.
New win: I advocated for myself and defended the other.
Old win: I was noticed.
New win: I got to elevate others.
Old win: I was seen as the hero.
New win: Others were served or saved, regardless of who got credit.
Old win: I did it.
New win: We did more as a team.
Old win: I am free to do whatever I want.
New win: I am in relationship.
As the above make clear, relationships live in the constant tension between self and other. The opportunity is to change the “win” from self to other, such that your spouse and others feel considered, cared about, supported, defended, and loved. The new win is from getting your way to getting to love your spouse in a way that makes him or her feel loved. Did you get to serve them, protect them, yield to what’s important to them, make them comfortable, assure them that they’re your priority? Win!!!
This win is illustrated by the research or Dr. John Gottman on relationships. He uses the metaphor of a “Love Bank,” to make the case that the “loving feel” of a marriage or relationship is the result of the ratio of deposits to withdrawals made to the “account.” That is, the more deposits (kindness, consideration, gentleness, positivity, patience, service, protection, affirmations, gratitude, love, peace, joy, etc.) that exist in a relationship, contrasted with withdrawals (harshness, criticism, unkindness, negativity, selfishness, unfaithfulness, abuse, etc.), the higher the “balance” in a couple’s “Love Bank.” “Intentionalizing” “feel good” interactions is how the couples “won,” whom Dr. Gottman termed, “Master Couples”—those whose marriages were happy and long-lasting, often even until death did them part. In fact, even during conflict, Master Couples made sure that their interactions were positive five times more than they were negative. Overall, their win rate was twenty times more deposits than withdrawals in overall interactions. Intentionally. Life is about relationships. If we are keeping score, let us keep track of relationship wins.
_________
RESOURCES:
I hesitate to even list resources because—unlike this article—most carry a tone of hopelessness when it comes to narcissistic change. Still, for the narcissist willing to learn and desire to change, the material can be eye-opening as to exactly what mindsets, reflexes, and practices need to change.
Experts in the field with multiple forms of resources include:
Dr. Craig Malkin
Dr. Ramani Durvasula
Dr. Les Carter
Dr. Daniel Fox
NarcissisticHelp.com, despite its name, is not a site to help narcissists. Rather, its articles help people deal with narcissists. Still, for the narcissistic person who truly wants to understand his or her condition in order to combat it, its articles are informed and well written. In his series, this article on Narcissistic “Love” is a good summary of the typical pattern of a romantic relationship with a narcissist .
A good Psychology Today article on change for the motivated narcissist describes a process much like Brainworking Recursive Therapy (BWRT), a powerful form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), currently being practiced mostly in Great Britain, but gaining influence worldwide.
Stop Hurting the Woman you Love, by Charlie Donaldson, Randy Flood, and Dr. Elaine Eldridge. The book presents real-world examples of narcissistic abuse, making recognition tangible. Insights into the origins of such behaviors give grace to self-understanding. Importantly, the book shifts its focus to how to change maladaptive relationship dynamics into healthy ones.
Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin. A good expose on the spectrum that is narcissism, from functional to dysfunctional, how to recognize patterns in oneself and change maladaptive patterns. Also provides insights for dealing with narcissist in one’s life.
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, by Margalis Fjelstad. This book is for the spouse, partner, child, sibling, or coworker of someone on the narcissistic or borderline spectrum. It gives recognition to what one is experiencing, how to protect oneself from disintegration, and how to affect positive change in the relationship, with realistic expectations. If willing, a person with narcissistic or borderline tendencies can also learn a lot from this book about patterns they must change if relationships are to succeed. (While the book does give helpful insights, it unfortunately—like others—does not hold out hope for change from the narcissistic or borderline person. It therefore focuses on how to function in such a relationship, regardless of the other; even how to live independently, even up to leaving them. Like most of the literature, in the self-defensiveness it advocates, it neglects basic practices central to irenic relationships, such as expecting different, seeking understanding, voicing needs as positive requests with affirmations, and making relational deposits.)
Movies that depict narcissists:
Beauty and the Beast (2017) - Beauty and the Beast - Luke Evans portrays Gaston, an extreme grandiose narcissist.
Family Man (2000) - Nicholas Cage portrays Jack, initially an arrogant, self-absorbed grandiose narcissist before his transformation by the film’s fantastical plot.
Gaslight (1944) and various subsequent remakes.
A Real Pain - depicts vulnerable narcissism.
The Devil Wears Prada (2006) - Exemplifies female narcissistic control in workplace leadership.